When a sweet connection matters so much.
I was doing a photo shoot with a photographer for an article I’d been interviewed for at the Hell’s Kitchen Community Composting site where I volunteer. The food scrap collection bins are in the neighborhood’s playground.
The photographer was taking shots of me depositing garden waste and food scraps into the bins at the site for the story. My volunteer stewardship is to clean any trash out of the bins because we simply cannot send contaminated food waste for processing into “black gold”, a rich deep soil.
Suddenly, as I moved to another spot, in a flash, BAM I went down – face planted – well actually, I broke my fall with the palms of my hands. Ouch.
In milliseconds, two young men (early twenties) were peeling me up from the ground. In that split instance, one of them stepped in front of me and placed his hands along both sides of my face and looked directly into my eyes to be certain that I was alright.
With this gesture, I felt his concern, his care, and kindness. And most of all, he paid me deep respect. He’s a young man. I’m an elder. He obviously was raised and taught well. I thanked him and assured him I was OK.
After I completed my tasks and the photo shoot ended, I sought out that young man. Searching the park benches, I spied him. I stepped in front of him, looked at him, I bowed saying, “Gracias”. “Muchas gracias.”
His connection is an utterly unforgettable moment. Humanity Restored!
(AI can’t do this.)
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This brings me to a point I want to make about the importance of the physical expression of connection.
Eye Contact
Fortunately, for me I was raised to look people in the eye when speaking with them. It feels natural and comfortable. Not so much for many people I’ve noticed.
Not too long ago, I met with a coach who works with senior leaders on business strategy. Having a conversation with him over Zoom, I found it disconcerting that he hadn’t made eye contact with me. Afterward, I reached out in email to mention the lack of connection using eye contact. I offered to help because I believed it was a technical issue with his set up. “I’m not good with eye contact”, he said to me. Shocking. Formerly a senior leader at a global bank and now a coach with no eye contact.
Soon after, I had a conversation over Zoom with a leader who was interviewing me about coaching her for public speaking. Again, fleeting eye contact with a lot of nervous, extraneous movement. Eye contact is a choice. Stillness is a choice. How much more present would her audience find her? It’s not only about the words. How one shows up physically counts for so much more.
When I train senior people in presenting themselves and we worked assiduously on eye contact, the before and after is unmistakable. Each person gets to experience from their colleagues how their positive impression grows when using their eye contact. What a win! It would take our breath away.
Yearly, I work with a group of Graduate exchange students from Africa. Holding eye contact is an issue for them. We practice. I give them strategies for remaining at ease and in comfort while holding the connection. Another win.
What to do? It’s not about staring. That would feel like stalking. It’s about showing interest. It’s about giving attention and taking attention. It’s about allowing the energy to flow to and from you and the other person (people). Try it. Take time to carefully build it and then it becomes more comfortable.
Emerging leaders, do you want to build your credibility? Advance your career potential? Reach full leadership status? Make sure you are using your eye contact.
